-strong

farrhan @ 2009-10-07T01:12:00

2009-10-06T17:13:49Z

wishes you could see yourself the way i see you.

farrhan @ 2009-10-01T22:14:00

2009-10-01T14:22:15Z

ive got nothing to do now.
in fact ive been lying in bed all day long.
might as well pen down my previous dream.

i was in the bus with a friend of mine.
we were heading back from who knows where.
and i forgot what happens next.
she got of the bus and i followed suit.. only that i exited through the window.
the bus was those old non airconditioned kinds.
god knows how i managed to squeeze in between the grills.
anyway i landed on my feet literally.
i realized my shoes were left on the bus.
i miraculously managed to catch up to the bus and got on to retrieve my shoes from this scarfed girl.
anyway i went back to the bustop from where my friend alighted but she was nowhere around.
i realized then that it was like near where i lived earlier.
my mind ran through the void decks.
i found her being accosted by big black negros, the kind you see as private bodyguards.
her eyes pleading to me for help.
i cant rmb what happened afterwards but i rmb when i woke up, in the dream, i lost to them.
in my minds eye i turned back time trying to think what could have been done to prevent that from happening.
maybe if i didnt care about my shoe and continued with my friend i could have saved her.
and shortly after that i saw her walking back to me.
still with the negros.
with a satisfied smug smile on her face.
she was a changed person.
i felt so hopeless at that time like someone just blew my flame out.
i have let myself down.
i had failed her. her bf. her family. her friends. everyone that held her dear.
and i woke up.

farrhan @ 2009-09-30T00:14:00

2009-09-29T16:14:49Z

i just wanna drop everything and run.
coward.

farrhan @ 2009-09-27T20:56:00

2009-09-27T12:59:18Z

reading my past entries
i saw the past self as a moody emotional person who couldnt support himself.
and yet he was on the outside trying to appear strong and be that pillar of strength people rely on.

i also saw how trivial my worries are hahaha
i miss those times.

i dont wanna think about adult things.
being in this environment forces you to grow up quickly
sad.

farrhan @ 2009-09-24T22:59:00

2009-09-24T15:06:15Z

the springtime of youth
creating beautiful memories
forging friendships
remembering those moments

i wanna worry about trivial things
like whats my test results going to be
whether i have time to catch the shows i wanna watch
whats the most fashionable thing to do
whens my first kiss gonna be
if people like me for who i am
whether the things i do are cool
how i behave attracts people
if im going to graduate without a girlfriend
whether i will master the guitar and skateboard and so many other things
if i can tie a knot with a cherry stalk.

farrhan @ 2009-09-24T12:48:00

2009-09-24T04:49:27Z

i just want a normal family.
is that too much to ask for.
fml.

farrhan @ 2009-09-21T21:47:00

2009-09-21T13:48:25Z

the feeling of rejection is strong.

farrhan @ 2009-09-16T23:41:00

2009-09-16T15:49:09Z

a man possessed
with a crazed gleam in his eyes
rummaging through the drawers and cupboards
desperately seeking the escape
while showing the withdrawal symptoms
fidgeting and restless
unaware of the situation
g.

red faced
totally dazed
unconscious
lacking the strength to support herself
hot under the collar
p.

ok im bored.

farrhan @ 2009-09-14T23:17:00

2009-09-14T15:28:09Z

even if we are friends at least have the basic respect to tell me that you are using my stuff
no matter how close we are.
i don't mind but i would like to know
i have to know
its damn rude to use other people stuff without their permission
i had a huge shock after hearing what you did.
please.
we are friends in the first place only because of the mutual respect.

farrhan @ 2009-09-14T00:10:00

2009-09-13T16:18:41Z

my friend malaque is in SI and a comment on her fb page set me thinking.
music is haram.
or is it?

according to http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/5000

“And of mankind is he who purchases idle talks (i.e. music, singing) to mislead (men) from the path of Allaah…” [Luqmaan 31:6]

i dont think music is haram.
specifically because quote 'who purchases idle talks to mislead from the path of Allaah'
the words in brackets are like their interpretation.
singing and music according to them are idle talks.
i don't think so.
and even if they are
the purpose of the singing and/or music is not to mislead from the path of Allaah.
the specific intent is to enjoy i guess and not to mislead.
however im not the ulema or the learned or the scholars or in some position of authority to judge.
im just your moderate muslim. (can i still call myself that? hmm..)
many people i are in disbelief and skeptical when i told them that music is haram.
i wonder what about the nasheeds and songs we hear everytime we are to break fast.
and why is it that the call to prayer is done with a tune.
i wonder..

farrhan @ 2009-09-14T00:01:00

2009-09-13T16:09:44Z

i don't get why i'm on the receiving end of the cold shoulder.
have i done anything wrong to you?
i don't think so.
i'm rather friendly and amicable.
whatever wrong i might have done is probably like subconsciously.
maybe you just dislike me for my attitude or skin color.
i feel like giving up you know.
i'm not gonna put in any more effort trying to bridge this gap between us if you are going to remain cold.
i feel uncomfortable around you if this persists any longer.
i thought initially that this silence between us was one of comfort where we didn't need to talk to understand one another.

farrhan @ 2009-09-12T10:59:00

2009-09-12T03:04:07Z

now that it's all said and done
i can't believe you were the one
to build me up and tear me down

dont you think the word hate is so much more negative than the other more infamous four letter word.
thats why i wont ever hate anything.
or try not to at least.

farrhan @ 2009-08-31T04:17:00

2009-08-30T20:19:38Z

My friends are going places and yet I'm still here
Unmoving.

Good luck to my PAE friend Malaque for SI.
I knew she could sing from her mixtape with Mas but this takes the cake.
I hope she succeeds where others have failed.
Like all the other bathroom singers like me hahaha!

farrhan @ 2009-07-22T11:10:00

2009-07-22T03:40:45Z

I thought that I would not need to return back here ever again.
Or at least.. this blog would take a turn for the better.
Guess not.

I'm currently sitting in the library doing FYP.
I totally loathe it.
Oh I am truly pissed with the library fines I have to pay for the stupid books I found for FYP.
Return faster please!

Sitting behind me is this random overly obese guy.
I feel so revolted.
So disgusting.
I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
I truly have become shallow haven't I.
Can I hate myself enough to want to distance myself as far as possible from such an outcome, a fatty?
Me hating myself. The egoistic me.
Seems so impossible.
I am reminded of Chiat.
He too is oversized. I'm not using obese on him well since I'm kinda biased.
Is that good?
To be biased towards your friends?

I always wanted to live an upright life.
An ideal life where I have nothing to hide.
I can be myself freely.
Its tiring to keep up a facade you know.
I am evil by nature.
Can I change that?
I have been trying to live every moment as if there are people watching me, as if there is a camera pointed at you.
Except now of course.
This is when I run to my secret hell hole to pour out all this emotional baggage.
So I can truly be transparent.

My mind is in a mess.

farrhan @ 2009-06-08T02:05:00

2009-06-07T18:09:19Z

intellectual whore

A guy (usually) with unrequited lust for a girl.

The girl may keep him around for a number of reasons, including self aggrandizement, intellectual stimulation or entertainment.

'I used to be Stacy's intellectual whore, but I'm over her now.'

intellectual whore

Person A is an intellectual whore to person B.If person A wants to shag person B and person B will not shag person A but keeps person A around for entertainment, emotional support etc...

Almost always men
"You do all that for her and you arent even getting any,man you are such an intellectual whore."

Ever felt like that?
taken from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=intellectual+whore

farrhan @ 2009-03-08T14:35:00

2009-03-08T06:36:12Z

Are guys supposed to keep taking shit and just walk it off?
Take it in your stride like a man.

farrhan @ 2009-03-06T22:14:00

2009-03-06T14:31:48Z

Who cares.

You know those people who cut themselves up on their wrist to overcome the pain they feel inside?
They cite reasons like the external pain helps them forget about the ones inside.
I always thought that was ridiculous.
I didn't realise it till today that I've been cutting myself up too.. internally that is.

I had always hated running.
Not hate really, thats too strong a word.
More of dislike.
But I found a reason to start running.
Other than to shed these massive amounts of fat that I have.
Run away from the pain.
Run away from the past.
Run away from the fucking fatty behind me.
Run away from thinking of the one I want.
Run away from my past self.
Run away from reality.
Run away from the people I know.
Run away from the hurt.
Run away from the sadness.
Run away from the anger.
Run away from the contempt and despise.

I'm really tired of this all.
Sick and tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a fucker in front of it.

I thought I was strong.
Strong enough to keep it in.
Never show your weakness.
I must be a man.
Screw it.

I had a friend.
She was terribly upset that I wouldnt share my problems with her.
I even got mad at her even though she wanted to help me.
Lousy friend huh.
What a fucker.
She said I wasnt some robot who had no feelings.
Damn right I wasnt.
I dunno.
Im not about to throw away my stupid pride anytime soon.
I'll just bend and break.

Tired.
I wanna explode.
Really.

Mum saw that I wasnt in the best of moods.
She wanted to find out why.
But i kinda shut her out.
She cooked dinner.
I only ate out of obligation.
Fucking fatties dont deserve to eat.
Eating is not a necessity.
Its a luxury.

farrhan @ 2009-02-16T20:25:00

2009-02-16T12:29:48Z

I've come to realise that she doesn't realise it at all!
She could be playing dumb though but I highly doubt that.

Its been close to a year since I had my LJ.
Many thoughts and nights spent here even though I barely post but there's a multitude of feelings expressed here in words that sometimes even I can't get across.
What was initially a hidey hole to vent my frustrations as I experienced changes in me and others turned out to where I reflected deeply at times.
Not everyone gets me though and I blame the lack of elaboration on my part but that doesn't really matter since I'm sure I get no traffic from this journal of mine.

Cheers.

farrhan @ 2009-02-12T23:31:00

2009-02-12T15:32:16Z

I am feeling.. suicidal.
again.

farrhan @ 2009-01-27T23:28:00

2009-01-27T15:33:08Z

I've been in an eternal bid to lower my weight and so far it has been a slight success.
That is if you can view going down from 85 to 78 kilos a success.
My patience now wears thin though and the frustration just piles on top of it.
How can I lose more.
Simple.
Curb my hunger.
I lack the discipline though and I must truly make myself be in a situation where I am unable to feed myself.
Oh.. to be a masochist.

TBC.

farrhan @ 2009-01-20T01:53:00

2009-01-19T17:54:20Z

Isolation.
not the dance kind mind you.

farrhan @ 2009-01-08T06:53:00

2009-01-07T22:54:31Z

She comes calling and you go running.
You want to forget her but you can't.
Time will tell I suppose.

farrhan @ 2009-01-04T18:50:00

2009-01-04T10:51:38Z

Love cannot be forced.

MAS: Getting over someone means having to fall in love with someone else.
Hmm..

farrhan @ 2008-12-11T23:44:00

2008-12-11T15:50:12Z

Feeling so shitty now.
Take it down a notch.

farrhan @ 2008-12-04T22:28:00

2008-12-04T14:30:00Z

Somehow.
I missed the part of me that used to just emo-ed my time away while listening to the songs I have.
Living a DYNAMIC life now.
not exactly what I envisioned it to be but I'm making progress.
if not for my mum bringing back pizza today.
>.>